Strategies to Manage or Resolve Conflicts
Think about any disagreements or conflicts you have recently experienced or are currently experiencing at work with a supervisor, colleague, or someone in your personal life.
When in an argument, people tend to make a common mistake: they react from a place of intense emotion (this can lead to saying or doing something regrettable). They then retreat from the situation and rethink, or replay, the events. It is during the "rethink" phase that people tend to reflect on their words and actions. Generally, people wish they had said or done something differently to their loved ones.
In using the "3 R's" to help with emotions management and communication, one needs to alter the order they respond to a situation. Instead of reacting, retreating, and then rethinking, one can choose to first retreat, then rethink, and finally RESPOND. Notice "react" has been removed from the sequence. When we are upset or angry, a healthy response to another person rarely involves being emotionally reactive. Instead, we must allow the logical and rational sides to become integrated with the emotional side. Rather than doing or saying something regrettable, try taking a moment to rethink how you want to treat the person with whom there is conflict.
Scenario: At my institution, there was a female security guard who was sent on retirement. As a result, a replacement was needed. We decided to use another female as a replacement for this position because this individual would only be on duty during the day when children are present. A member of the school's board was aware of the vacancy and told her husband, who applied for the position. However, the Board of Governors was hesitant based on the decision taken before for a female replacement. The gentleman attended the interview and found favour with the panel, but after working for few months, he decided to move on to another more lucrative job. One day he approached me and informed me of the decision to seek out this job before resigning. Being the people-oriented person I am, I told him that I support his decision to take a new position. He decided to take a couple casual leave days to check out this new job. However, three days went by, and he never contacted the institution. So, I told him that he must present a sick leave since he has exceeded three days. After, two weeks he gave us an unsigned resignation letter. I reached out to him and told him that I could not accept this letter without a signature.
Furthermore, after his final decision to take the new job and two full weeks in the new job, he sent in a resignation letter which saw him taking an additional week. I was so disappointed with the way he handled the situation. However, it was my expectation, and he knew that as soon as he decided to take that job, he must resign immediately. I remember calling him one day regarding the resignation letter, and he started speaking with aggression. Right there and then, I realized that he was angry and wanted me to get angry as well, but I held my composure and professionally responded to him.
After all, was said and done, he returned to the community and visited the institution to say hellos. Even then, I remembered how he handled the situation, and I thought to myself, I tried helping out by allowing him to take a few days to seeks out the job before tendering his resignation, and that is how he behaved. However, I spoke with him professionally and did not create a wedge or add to the conflict that could have escalated. I did not take things personally.
Strategies to Effectively Manage Conflicts:
Nonviolent Communication Principles: The 4 principles
Principle 1 – Observing the situation.
Principle 2 – Identifying the feelings arising from the situation.
Principle 3 – Identifying the needs to be met.
Principle 4 – Expressing an explicit request that will make my life better.
Principle 1 – Observing the situation.
Principle 2 – Identifying the feelings arising from the situation.
Principle 3 – Identifying the needs to be met.
Principle 4 – Expressing an explicit request that will make my life better.
In resolving the conflict nonviolently, I observed the situation, which can be aligned with principle 1. Besides, in observing the gentleman's body language and listening to his tone, I realized that he did not contact the institution because he exceeded the allotted days. He became very defensive. Also, I gave him time to express his feelings without being caught in his anger web because I could sense an aggressive force of blame game heading in my direction. According to "When we blame others for our feelings we tend to stimulate feelings of guilt in the other person. If we express our needs we have a better chance of getting them met" (Center for Nonviolent Communication, 2007). I quickly understood that a conflict can escalate if I do not deal with it by listening and observing the situation. Furthermore, "there are two ways to enhance connection &
understanding: (1) vulnerably express our own feelings &
needs, or (2) empathically listen to the feelings & needs of
the other. These are radically different choices than we are
accustomed to experience when we are in conflict:
namely, fight, submit or flee" (Center for Nonviolent Communication, 2007 )
Applying the 3 R's to Communication
When in an argument, people tend to make a common mistake: they react from a place of intense emotion (this can lead to saying or doing something regrettable). They then retreat from the situation and rethink, or replay, the events. It is during the "rethink" phase that people tend to reflect on their words and actions. Generally, people wish they had said or done something differently to their loved ones.
In using the "3 R's" to help with emotions management and communication, one needs to alter the order they respond to a situation. Instead of reacting, retreating, and then rethinking, one can choose to first retreat, then rethink, and finally RESPOND. Notice "react" has been removed from the sequence. When we are upset or angry, a healthy response to another person rarely involves being emotionally reactive. Instead, we must allow the logical and rational sides to become integrated with the emotional side. Rather than doing or saying something regrettable, try taking a moment to rethink how you want to treat the person with whom there is conflict.
Hello colleagues, you are being asked to kindly share your input and advice regarding, if not specific problems, how have you learned to be more effective communicators related to conflict resolution skills. (Adapted from O'Hair & Wiemann, 2018, p. 251)
References
Center for Nonviolent Communication. (2007). An introduction to nonviolent communication: A language of compassion rather than domination. http://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf
https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/
Hi Sherida,
ReplyDeleteThank you again for a wonderfully expressed and thoughtful blog post. I think you handled the situation very well. The use of the 3 R's and NVC have been very enlightening in my own understanding of how I can improve my own skills at conflict resolution. I have always tried to retreat and rethink first before responding, but seeing the tools of separating my needs and emotional reactions helps me to more thoroughly examine what the issue is without my biases or schemas affecting my decisions and actions. I have also found that it is important to know what type of role you are in when dealing with a conflict, such as the mediator or peacemaker or are you personally involved in the conflict, changes your method of resolution (The Third Side, n.d.).
References:
The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. https://thirdside.williamury.com
Indeed, Rebecca.
DeleteThank you for sharing a great post! Working with different people with different personalities is something we have all had to go through. Remaining respectful and having empathy for those who may have been raised differently or experienced different things that impact their communication skills is also something to remember. I work in a college where I’m a supervisor of an older women and we have our spats sometimes too! Maintaining my cool is what I like to remember as I work day to day. Great post!
ReplyDeleteSo true, Christina.
DeleteSherida, thank you for sharing your conflict. You handled this situation with professionalism and grace from start to finish. He was unprofessional and took advantage. I respect your ability to not engage when he was hostile. You only have control of how you handled this situation. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteOn point, Amy.
DeleteHi Sherida,
ReplyDeleteYou did a wonderful job holding your composure. Sometimes, I think, people want to see how far they can go to take you out of character. Being professional goes a long way!
I think so too, Stacey.
ReplyDelete